COFFEE BEANS & BEINGS / THE ONGOING TURF WAR BETWEEN THE OBLIVIOUS & ENTITLED VERSUS COFFEE HOUSE OWNER'S TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING

Illustration by F. Stop Fitzgerald

The Slow Death of Café Culture at the Hands of the Table Poacher 

By Holden DeMayo from the "Barstool at Flaherty's" series on cafe culture and civic matters and manners, which will be appearing regularly on PillartoPost.org daily online magazine in the near future (once he makes bail). 

They come in with backpacks and attitude. Sometimes it's a laptop. Sometimes it’s a screenplay. Always, it’s the same play: order one drip, scope out the corner seat near an outlet, and set up shop like it’s a WeWork on layaway. You’ve seen them. Maybe you’ve been one. The coffeehouse table poacher—that modern parasite of hospitality—who turns a single $3 transaction into a half-day real estate grab.

 Meanwhile, the lifeblood of the café—the couples looking to sip and catch up, the retiree reading the news, the writer who doesn’t sprawl—is left standing. Or worse, they leave altogether. The seat’s taken. The scene is dead. 

 What was once a community hub starts to feel like a silent co-working gulag. Baristas grind beans and fake smiles while the register stays quiet. 

 The Math Is Murder 

A table occupied for three hours by someone nursing one small latte means six potential customers lost. Multiply that across five tables, six days a week, and you’ve got the economic hemorrhage that kills indie cafés. 

 Ask any café owner off the record, and they’ll tell you: poachers cost more than shoplifters. At least a thief is quick. 

 How Did We Let This Happen? 

Blame startup culture. Blame Covid for bumping a lot of us out of highrise offices. Blame the gig economy. Blame the myth that every public seat is an entitlement zone for productivity. 

Somewhere along the way, “buy a coffee, stay all day” became the unspoken mantra of the oblivious. 

 But good cafés aren’t libraries. 

They’re not offices. 

They are businesses, built on margins thinner than a bar napkin. If a table doesn’t turn, neither does the profit.

 Solutions, or at Least a Fight 

 Here’s how some cafés are fighting back—and how more should: 

 – Timed Wi-Fi Passcodes: Two hours with purchase. Refresh required with another drink. No exceptions. 

 – Outlet Control: Shut ‘em off during rush hours. Watch the MacBooks scatter. 

 – Two-Drink Minimum for Long Stays: One sign. No shame. You want to stay? Great. Order something else. Support the house. 

 – No Laptops on Weekends: Some cafés have gone full analog on weekends

—No screens, no workstations. 

--Just coffee and conversation. Imagine that. 

 – Table Monitors: Not bouncers. Just friendly floor staff who reset and refresh tables when needed. The soft nudge. “Can I clear this?” is code for “Your time is up.” 

 The Social Contract Café culture used to be a dance—unwritten rules, respectful pacing, and unspoken nods. Now it’s a turf war. And unless we restore some mutual respect between customer and café, we’re going to lose the very thing we claim to love. 

 So here’s the ask: 

--If you’re going to work, pay rent. 

--If you’re going to linger, make it worth while for the owner. 

--If you’re done, move on because there’s someone waiting for that seat, and it’s probably the kind of customer that keeps the lights on. 

--If you don't like the computer use rules then go someplace else and don't let the door hit you on your ass on the way out.