 |
| Penniless on the mean streets of Victorian London, where the hero of this tale found himself |
THE MILLION POUND BANK NOTE, 1893
By Samuel Clemens
Note: This book
was posted to the public domain by Feedbooks http://www.feedbooks.com.
Strictly for personal use not for commercial purposes.
1.
When I was 27 years old, I was a mining broker's clerk in
San Francisco, and an expert in all the details of stock traffic. I was alone
in the world, and had nothing to depend upon but my wits and a clean
reputation; but these were setting my feet in the road to eventual fortune, and
I was content with the prospect.
My time was my own after the afternoon board, Saturdays, and
I was accustomed to put it in on a little sailboat on the bay. One day I
ventured too far, and was carried out to sea. Just at nightfall, when hope was
about gone, I was picked up by a small brig which was bound for London.
It was a long and stormy voyage, and they made me work my
passage without pay, as a common sailor. When I stepped ashore in London my
clothes were ragged and shabby, and I had only a dollar in my pocket. This
money fed and sheltered me for 24 hours. During the next 24 I went without food
and shelter.
But every time I made a move to get it some passing eye
detected my purpose, and of course I straightened up then, and looked
indifferent, and pretended that I hadn't been thinking about the pear at all.
This same thing kept happening and happening, and I couldn't get the pear. I was just getting desperate enough to brave
all the shame, and to seize it, when a window behind me was raised, and a
gentleman spoke out of it, saying: "Step in here, please."
I was admitted by a gorgeous flunkey, and shown into a
sumptuous room where a couple of elderly gentlemen were sitting. They sent away
the servant, and made me sit down. They had just finished their breakfast, and
the sight of the remains of it almost overpowered me. I could hardly keep my
wits to- gether in the presence of that food, but as I was not asked to sample
it, I had to bear my trouble as best I could.
2.
Now, something had been happening there a little before,
which I did not know anything about until a good many days afterwards, but I
will tell you about it now. Those two old brothers had been having a pretty hot
argument a couple of days be- fore, and had ended by agreeing to decide it by a
bet, which is the English way of settling everything.
You will remember that the Bank of England once issued two
notes of a million pounds each, to be used for a special purpose connected with
some public transaction with a foreign country. For some reason or other only
one of these had been used and canceled; the other still lay in the vaults of
the Bank. Well, the brothers, chatting along, happened to get to wondering what
might be the fate of a perfectly honest and intelligent stranger who should be
turned adrift in London without a friend, and with no money but that
million-pound bank-note, and no way to account for his being in possession of
it. Brother A said he would starve to death; Brother B said he wouldn't.
Brother A said he couldn't offer it at a bank or anywhere else, because he
would be arrested on the spot.
So they went on disputing till Brother B said he would bet 20,000
pounds that the man would live 30 days, anyway, on that million, and keep out
of jail, too. Brother A took him up. Brother B went down to the Bank and bought
that note. Just like an Englishman, you see; pluck to the backbone. Then he
dictated a letter, which one of his clerks wrote out in a beautiful round hand,
and then the two brothers sat at the window a whole day watching for the right
man to give it to.
They saw many honest faces go by that were not intelligent
enough; many that were intelligent, but not honest enough; many that were both,
but the possessors were not poor enough, or, if poor enough, were not
strangers. There was always a defect, until I came along; but they agreed that
I filled the bill all around; so they elected me unanimously, and there I was
now waiting to know why I was called in. They began to ask me questions about
myself, and pretty soon they had my story. Finally they told me I would answer
their purpose. I said I was sincerely glad, and asked what it was.
Then one of them handed me an envelope, and said I would
find the explanation inside. I was going to open it, but he said no; take it to
my lodgings, and look it over carefully, and not be hasty or rash. I was
puzzled, and wanted to discuss the matter a little further, but they didn't; so
I took my leave, feeling hurt and insulted to be made the butt of what was apparently
some kind of a practical joke, and yet obliged to put up with it, not being in
circumstances to resent affronts from rich and strong folk.
 |
| To celebrate Mark Twain’s 70th birthday, a dinner party was arranged by George Harvey, editor of Harper’s Weekly, and held at Delmonico’s restaurant, NYC, on December 5, 1905. It was an elaboratge and lengthy occasion, with more than 170 friends and fellow writers attending. Fifteen formal speeches and toasts were delivered, and musical accompaniment was provided by a 40 piece orchestra. Guests included: William Dean Howells, Brander Matthews, John Kendrick Bangs, Kate Douglas Riggs, Richard Watson Gilder, Andrew Carnegie, George Washington Cable, Hamilton W. Mabie, Agnes Repplier. Irving Bacheller, Rex E. Beach, Hopkinson Smith, and Carolyn Wells. |
I would have picked up the pear now and eaten it before all
the world, but it was gone; so I had lost that by this unlucky business, and
the thought of it did not soften my feeling towards those men. As soon as I was
out of sight of that house I opened my envelope, and saw that it contained
money! My opinion of those people changed, I can tell you! I lost not a moment,
but shoved note and money into my vest pocket, and broke for the nearest cheap
eating house. Well, how I did eat! When at last I couldn't hold any more, I
took out my money and unfolded it, took one glimpse and nearly fainted. Five
millions of dollars! Why, it made my head swim.
I must have sat there stunned and blinking at the note as
much as a minute before I came rightly to myself again. The first thing I
noticed, then, was the landlord. His eye was on the note, and he was petrified.
He was worshiping, with all his body and soul, but he looked as if he couldn't
stir hand or foot. I took my cue in a moment, and did the only rational thing
there was to do. I reached the note towards him, and said, carelessly: "Give
me the change, please."
Then he was restored to his normal condition, and made a
thousand apologies for not being able to break the bill, and I couldn't get him
to touch it. He wanted to look at it, and keep on looking at it; he couldn't
seem to get enough of it to quench the thirst of his eye, but he shrank from
touching it as if it had been something too sacred for poor common clay to
handle. I said:"I am sorry if it is an inconvenience, but I must insist.
Please change it; I haven't anything else."
But he said that wasn't any matter; he was quite willing to
let the trifle stand over till another time. I said I might not be in his
neighborhood again for a good while; but he said it was of no consequence, he
could wait, and, moreover, I could have anything I wanted, any time I chose,
and let the account run as long as I pleased.
He said he hoped he wasn't afraid to trust as rich a
gentleman as I was, merely because I was of a merry disposition, and chose to
play larks on the public in the matter of dress. By this time another customer
was entering, and the landlord hinted to me to put the monster out of sight;
then he bowed me all the way to the door, and I started straight for that house
and those brothers, to correct the mistake which had been made before the
police should hunt me up, and help me do it.
I was pretty nervous; in fact, pretty badly frightened,
though, of course, I was no way in fault; but I knew men well enough to know
that when they find they've given a tramp a million-pound bill when they
thought it was a one-pounder, they are in a frantic rage against him instead of
quarreling with their own near-sightedness, as they ought. As I approached the
house my excitement began to abate, for all was quiet there, which made me feel
pretty sure the blunder was not discovered yet. I rang. The same servant
appeared. I asked for those gentlemen.
 |
American actor Gregory
Peck on location in London during the filming of “The Million Pound Note,”
based on a story by Mark Twain and directed by Ronald Neame, 1953.
4.
"They are gone." This in the lofty, cold way of
that fellow's tribe.
"Gone? Gone where?"
"On a journey."
"But whereabouts?"
"To the Continent, I think." "The
Continent?"
"Yes, sir."
"Which way - by what route?"
"I can't say, sir."
"When will they be back?"
"In a month, they said."
"A month! Oh, this is awful! Give me some sort of idea
of how to get a word to them. It's of the last importance."
"I can't, indeed. I've no idea where they've gone,
sir." "Then I must see some member of the family."
"Family's away, too; been abroad months - in Egypt and
India, I think."
"Man, there's been an immense mistake made. They'll be
back before night. Will you tell them I've been here, and that I will keep
coming till it's all made right, and they needn't be afraid?"
"I'll tell them, if they come back, but I am not
expecting them. They said you would be here in an hour to make inquiries, but I
must tell you it's all right, they'll be here on time and expect you."
So I had to give it up and go away. What a riddle it all
was! I was like to lose my mind. They would be here "on time." What
could that mean? Oh, the letter would explain, maybe. I had forgotten the
letter; I got it out and read it. This is what it said:
"You are an intelligent and honest man, as one may see
by your face. We conceive you to be poor and a stranger. Enclosed you will find
a sum of money. It is lent to you for 30 days, without interest. Report at this
house at the end of that time. I have a bet on you. If I win it you shall have
any situation that is in my gift any,
that is, that you shall be able to prove yourself familiar with and competent
to fill."
5.
No signature, no address, no date.
Well, here was a coil to be in! You are posted on what had preceded
all this, but I was not. It was just a deep, dark puzzle to me. I hadn't the
least idea what the game was, nor whether harm was meant me or a kindness. I
went into a park, and sat down to try to think it out, and to consider what I
had best do.
At the end of an hour my reasonings had crystallized into
this verdict.
Maybe those men mean me well, maybe they mean me ill; no way
to decide that - let it go. They've got a game, or a scheme, or an experiment,
of some kind on hand; no way to determine what it is - let it go. There's a bet
on me; no way to find out what it is - let it go. That disposes of the
indeterminable quantities; the remainder of the matter is tangible, solid, and
may be classed and labeled with certainty.
If I ask the Bank of England to place this bill to the
credit of the man it belongs to, they'll do it, for they know him, although I
don't; but they will ask me how I came in possession of it, and if I tell the
truth, they'll put me in the asylum, naturally, and a lie will land me in jail.
The same result would follow if I tried to bank the bill anywhere or to borrow
money on it. I have got to carry this immense burden around until those men
come back, whether I want to or not. It is useless to me, as useless as a
handful of ashes, and yet I must take care of it, and watch over it, while I
beg my living. I couldn't give it away, if I should try, for neither honest
citizen nor highwayman would accept it or meddle with it for anything.
Those brothers are safe. Even if I lose their bill, or burn
it, they are still safe, because they can stop payment, and the Bank will make
them whole; but meantime I've got to do a month's suffering without wages or
profit - unless I help win that bet, whatever it may be, and get that situation
that I am promised. I should like to get that; men of their sort have
situations in their gift that are worth having.
6.
I got to thinking a good deal about that situation. My hopes
began to rise high. Without doubt the salary would be large. It would begin in
a month; after that I should be all right. Pretty soon I was feeling
first-rate. By this time I was tramping the streets again. The sight of a tailorshop
gave me a sharp longing to shed my rags, and to clothe myself decently once
more. Could I afford it? No; I had nothing in the world but a million pounds.
So I forced myself to go on by. But soon I was drifting back again. The
temptation persecuted me cruelly. I must have passed that shop back and forth
six times during that manful struggle. At last I gave in; I had to. I asked if
they had a misfit suit that had been thrown on their hands. The fellow I spoke
to nodded his head towards another fellow, and gave me no answer. I went to the
indicated fellow, and he indicated another fellow with his head, and no words.
I went to him, and he said: " 'Tend to you presently."
I waited till he was done with what he was at, then he took
me into a back room, and overhauled a pile of rejected suits, and selected the
rattiest one for me. I put it on. It didn't fit, and wasn't in any way
attractive, but it was new, and I was anxious to have it; so I didn't find any
fault, but said, with some diffidence: "It would be an accommodation to me
if you could wait some days for the money. I haven't any small change about
me."
The fellow worked up a most sarcastic expression of countenance,
and said:
"Oh, you haven't? Well, of course, I didn't expect it.
I'd only expect gentlemen like you to carry large change."
I was nettled, and said: "My friend, you shouldn't
judge a stranger always by the clothes he wears. I am quite able to pay for
this suit; I simply didn't wish to put you to the trouble of changing a large
note."
7.
He modified his style a little at that, and said, though
still with something of an air:
"I didn't mean any particular harm, but as long as
rebukes are going, I might say it wasn't quite your affair to jump to the
conclusion that we couldn't change any note that you might happen to be
carrying around. On the contrary, we can."
I handed the note to him, and said: "Oh, very well; I
apologize."
He received it with a smile, one of those large smiles which
goes all around over, and has folds in it, and wrinkles, and spirals, and looks
like the place where you have thrown a brick in a pond; and then in the act of
his taking a glimpse of the bill this smile froze solid, and turned yellow, and
looked like those wavy, wormy spreads of lava which you find hardened on little
levels on the side of Vesuvius. I never before saw a smile caught like that,
and perpetuated. The man stood there holding the bill, and looking like that,
and the proprietor hustled up to see what was the matter, and said, briskly:
"Well, what's up? what's the trouble? what's
wanting?"
I said: "There isn't any trouble. I'm waiting for my
change." "Come, come; get him his change, Tod; get him his
change."
Tod retorted: "Get him his change! It's easy to say,
sir; but look at the bill yourself."
The proprietor took a look, gave a low, eloquent whistle,
then made a dive for the pile of rejected clothing, and began to snatch it this
way and that, talking all the time excitedly, and as if to himself:
"Sell an eccentric millionaire such an unspeakable suit
as that! Tod's a fool - a born fool. Always doing something like this. Drives
every millionaire away from this place, because he can't tell a millionaire
from a tramp, and never could. Ah, here's the thing I am after. Please get
those things off, sir, and throw them in the fire. Do me the favor to put on
this shirt and this suit; it's just the thing, the very thing - plain, rich,
modest, and just ducally nobby; made to order for a foreign prince - you may
know him, sir, his Serene Highness the Hospodar of Halifax; had to leave it
with us and take a mourning-suit because his mother was going to die - which
she didn't.
But that's all right; we can't always have things the way we
- that is, the way they - there! trousers all right, they fit you to a charm,
sir; now the waistcoat; aha, right again! now the coat - Lord! look at that,
now! Perfect - the whole thing! I never saw such a triumph in all my
experience."
 |
| 1890's London Haberdashery |
I expressed my satisfaction.
"Quite right, sir, quite right; it'll do for a
makeshift, I'm bound to say. But wait till you see what we'll get up for you on
your own measure. Come, Tod, book and pen; get at it. Length of leg,
32"" - and so on.
Before I could get in a word he had measured me, and was
giving orders for dress-suits, morning suits, shirts, and all sorts of things.
When I got a chance I said:
"But, my dear sir, I can't give these orders, unless
you can wait indefinitely, or change the bill."
"Indefinitely! It's a weak word, sir, a weak word.
Eternally - that's the word, sir. Tod, rush these things through, and send them
to the gentleman's address without any waste of time. Let the minor customers
wait. Set down the gentleman's address and—"
"I'm changing my quarters. I will drop in and leave the
new address."
"Quite right, sir, quite right. One moment - let me
show you out, sir. There - good day, sir, good day."
Well, don't you see what was bound to happen? I drifted
naturally into buying whatever I wanted, and asking for change. Within a week I
was sumptuously equipped with all needful comforts and luxuries, and was housed
in an expensive private hotel in Hanover Square. I took my dinners there, but
for breakfast I stuck by Harris's humble feeding house, where I had got my
first meal on my million-pound bill. I was the making of Harris. The fact had
gone all abroad that the foreign crank who carried million-pound bills in his
vest pocket was the patron saint of the place.
That was enough. From being a poor, struggling, little
hand-to-mouth enterprise, it had become celebrated, and overcrowded with
customers. Harris was so grateful that he forced loans upon me, and would not
be denied; and so, pauper as I was, I had money to spend, and was living like
the rich and the great.
I judged that there was going to be a crash by and by, but I
was in now and must swim across or drown. You see there was just that element
of impending disaster to give a serious side, a sober side, yes, a tragic side,
to a state of things which would otherwise have been purely ridiculous. In the
night, in the dark, the tragedy part was always to the front, and always
warning, always threatening; and so I moaned and tossed, and sleep was hard to
find. But in the cheerful daylight the tragedy element faded out and
disappeared, and I walked on air, and was happy to giddiness, to intoxication,
you may say.
9.
And it was natural; for I had become one of the notorieties
of the metropolis of the world, and it turned my head, not just a little, but a
good deal. You could not take up a newspaper, English, Scotch, or Irish, without
finding in it one or more references to the "vest-pocket million-pounder"
and his latest doings and saying.
At first, in these mentions, I was at the bottom of the
personal-gossip column; next, I was listed above the knights, next above the
baronets, next above the barons, and so on, and so on, climbing steadily, as my
notoriety augmented, until I reached the highest altitude possible, and there I
remained, taking precedence of all dukes not royal, and of all ecclesiastics
except the primate of all England.
But mind, this was not fame; as yet I had achieved only
notoriety. Then came the climaxing stroke - the accolade, so to speak - which
in a single instant transmuted the perishable dross of notoriety into the
enduring gold of fame: Punch caricatured me! Yes, I was a made man now; my
place was established. I might be joked about still, but reverently, not
hilariously, not rudely; I could be smiled at, but not laughed at. The time for
that had gone by.
Punch pictured me
all aflutter with rags, dickering with a beefeater for the Tower of London.
Well, you can imagine how it was with a young fellow who had never been taken
notice of before, and now all of a sudden couldn't say a thing that wasn't
taken up and repeated everywhere; couldn't stir abroad without constantly
overhearing the remark flying from lip to lip, "There he goes; that's
him!" couldn't take his breakfast without a crowd to look on; couldn't
appear in an opera box without concentrating there the fire of a thousand
lorgnettes. Why, I just swam in glory all day long that is the amount of it.
You know, I even kept my old suit of rags, and every now and
then appeared in them, so as to have the old pleasure of buying trifles, and
being insulted, and then shooting the scoffer dead with the million-pound bill.
But I couldn't keep that up. The illustrated papers made the outfit so familiar
that when I went out in it I was at once recognized and followed by a crowd,
and if I attempted a purchase the man would offer me his whole shop on credit
before I could pull my note on him.
10.
About the tenth day of my fame I went to fulfill my duty to
my flag by paying my respects to the American minister. He received me with the
enthusiasm proper in my case, upbraided me for being so tardy in my duty, and
said that there was only one way to get his forgiveness, and that was to take
the seat at his dinner-party that night made vacant by the illness of one of
his guests. I said I would, and we got to talking.
It turned out that he and my father had been schoolmates in
boyhood, Yale students together later, and always warm friends up to my
father's death. So then he required me to put in at his house all the odd time
I might have to spare, and I was very willing, of course.
In fact, I was more than willing; I was glad. When the crash
should come, he might somehow be able to save me from total destruction; I
didn't know how, but he might think of a way, maybe. I couldn't venture to
unbosom myself to him at this late date, a thing, which I would have been quick
to do in the beginning of this awful career of mine in London.
No, I couldn't venture it now; I was in too deep; that is,
too deep for me to be risking revelations to so new a friend, though not clear
beyond my depth, as I looked at it. Because, you see, with all my borrowing, I
was carefully keeping within my means - I mean within my salary.
Of course, I couldn't know what my salary was going to be,
but I had a good enough basis for an estimate in the fact, that if I won the
bet I was to have choice of any situation in that rich old gentleman's gift
provided I was competent - and I should certainly prove competent; I hadn't any
doubt about that. And as to the bet, I wasn't worrying about that; I had always
been lucky.
Now my estimate of the salary was six hundred to a thousand
a year; say, six hundred for the first year, and so on up year by year, till I
struck the up- per figure by proved merit. At present I was only in debt for my
first year's salary. Everybody had been trying to lend me money, but I had
fought off the most of them on one pretext or another; so this indebtedness
represented only £300 borrowed money, the other £300 represented my keep and my
purchases.
I believed my second year's salary would carry me through
the rest of the month if I went on being cautious and economical, and I
intended to look sharply out for that. My month ended, my employer back from
his journey, I should be all right once more, for I should at once divide the
two years' salary among my creditors by assignment, and get right down to my
work.
11.
It was a lovely dinner-party of 14. The Duke and Duchess of
Shoreditch, and their daughter the Lady Anne-Grace-Eleanor-Celeste-and-so-forth-and-so-forth-de-Bohun,
the Earl and Countess of Newgate, Viscount Cheapside, Lord and Lady
Blatherskite, some untitled people of both sexes, the minister and his wife and
daughter, and his daughter's visiting friend, an English girl of 22, named
Portia Langham, whom I fell in love with in two minutes, and she with me - I
could see it without glasses. There was still another guest, an American - but
I am a little ahead of my story. While the people were still in the
drawing-room, whetting up for dinner, and coldly inspecting the late comers,
the servant announced: "Mr. Lloyd Hastings."
 |
| Twenty-two year old Portia Langham, perhaps |
"Why, you do know me, old fellow."
"No. Are you the - the—"
"Vest-pocket monster? I am, indeed. Don't be afraid to
call me by my nickname; I'm used to it."
"Well, well, well, this is a surprise. Once or twice
I've seen your own name coupled with the nickname, but it never occurred to me
that you could be the Henry Adams referred to. Why, it isn't six months since
you were clerking away for Blake Hopkins in Frisco on a salary, and sitting up
nights on an extra allowance, helping me arrange and verify the Gould and Curry
Extension papers and statistics. The idea of your being in London, and a vast
millionaire, and a colossal celebrity! Why, it's the Arabian Nights come again.
Man, I can't take it in at all; can't realize it; give me time to settle the
whirl in my head."
"The fact is, Lloyd, you are no worse off than I am. I
can't realize it myself."
12.
"Dear me, it is stunning, now isn't it? Why, it's just
three months today since we went to the Miners' restaurant—"
"No; the What Cheer."
"Right, it was the What Cheer; went there at two in the
morning, and had a chop and coffee after a hard six-hours grind over those
Extension papers, and I tried to persuade you to come to London with me, and
offered to get leave of absence for you and pay all your expenses, and give you
something over if I succeeded in making the sale; and you would not listen to
me, said I wouldn't succeed, and you couldn't afford to lose the run of
business and be no end of time getting the hang of things again when you got
back home. And yet here you are. How odd it all is! How did you happen to come,
and whatever did give you this incredible start?"
"Oh, just an accident. It's a long story - a romance, a
body may say. I'll tell you all about it, but not now."
"When?"
"The end of this month."
"That's more than a fortnight yet. It's too much of a
strain on a person's curiosity. Make it a week."
"I can't. You'll know why, by and by. But how's the
trade
getting along?"
His cheerfulness vanished like a breath, and he said witha
sigh:"You were a true prophet, Hal, a true prophet. I wish I hadn't come.
I don't want to talk about it."
"But you must. You must come and stop with me tonight, when
we leave here, and tell me all about it."
"Oh, may I? Are you in earnest?" and the water
showed in his eyes.
"Yes; I want to hear the whole story, every word."
13.
"I'm so grateful! Just to find a human interest once
more, in some voice and in some eye, in me and affairs of mine, after what I've
been through here - lord! I could go down on my knees for it!"
He gripped my hand hard, and braced up, and was all right
and lively after that for the dinner - which didn't come off. No; the usual
thing happened, the thing that is always happening under that vicious and
aggravating English system - the matter of precedence couldn't be settled, and
so there was no dinner.
Englishmen always eat dinner before they go out to dinner,
because they know the risks they are running; but nobody ever warns the
stranger, and so he walks placidly into trap.
Of course, nobody was hurt this time, because we had all
been to dinner, none of us being novices excepting Hastings, and he having been
informed by the minister at the time that he invited him that in deference to
the English custom he had not provided any dinner. Everybody took a lady and
processioned down to the dining-room, because it is usual to go through the
motions; but there the dispute began.
The Duke of Shoreditch wanted to take precedence, and sit at
the head of the table, holding that he outranked a minister who represented
merely a nation and not a monarch; but I stood for my rights, and refused to
yield.
In the gossip column I ranked all dukes not royal, and said
so, and claimed precedence of this one. It couldn't be settled, of course,
struggle as we might and did, he finally (and injudiciously) trying to play
birth and antiquity, and I "seeing" his Conqueror and
"raising" him with Adam, whose direct posterity I was, as shown by my
name, while he was of a collateral branch, as shown by his, and by his recent
Norman origin; so we all processioned back to the drawing-room again and had a
perpendicular lunch plate of sardines and a strawberry, and you group yourself
and stand up and eat it.
Here the religion of precedence is not so strenuous; the two
persons of highest rank chuck up a shilling, the one that wins has first go at
his strawberry, and the loser gets the shilling. The next two chuck up, then
the next two, and so on.
After refreshment, tables were brought, and we all played
cribbage, sixpence a game. The English never play any game for amusement. If
they can't make something or lose something - they don't care which - they
won't play.
14.
We had a lovely time; certainly two of us had, Miss Langham
and I. I was so bewitched with her that I couldn't count my hands if they went
above a double sequence; and when I struck home I never discovered it, and
started up the outside row again, and would have lost the game every time, only
the girl did the same, she being in just my condition, you see; and consequently
neither of us ever got out, or cared to wonder why we didn't; we only just knew
we were happy, and didn't wish to know anything else, and didn't want to be
interrupted.
And I told her - I did, indeed - told her I loved her; and
she - well, she blushed till her hair turned red, but she liked it; she said
she did. Oh, there was never such an evening! Every time I pegged I put on a
postscript; every time she pegged she acknowledged receipt of it, counting the
hands the same. Why, I couldn't even say "Two for his heels" without
adding, "My, how sweet you do look!" and she would say, "Fifteen
two, fifteen four, fifteen six, and a pair are eight, and eight are sixteen -
do you think so?" - peeping out aslant from under her lashes, you know, so
sweet and cunning. Oh, it was just too-too!
Well, I was perfectly honest and square with her; told her I
hadn't a cent in the world but just the million-pound note she'd heard so much
talk about, and it didn't belong to me, and that started her curiosity; and then
I talked low, and told her the whole history right from the start, and it
nearly killed her laughing. What in the nation she could find to laugh about I
couldn't see, but there it was; every half-minute some new detail would fetch
her, and I would have to stop as much as a minute and a half to give her a
chance to settle down again. Why, she laughed herself lame - she did, indeed; I
never saw anything like it. I mean I never saw a painful story - a story of a
person's troubles and worries and fears - produce just that kind of effect
before.
So I loved her all the more, seeing she could be so cheerful
when there wasn't anything to be cheerful about; for I might soon need that
kind of wife, you know, the way things looked. Of course, I told her we should
have to wait a couple of years, till I could catch up on my salary; but she
didn't mind that, only she hoped I would be as careful as pos- sible in the
matter of expenses, and not let them run the least risk of trenching on our
third year's pay. Then she began to get a little worried, and wondered if we
were making any mistake, and starting the salary on a higher figure for the
first year than I would get. This was good sense, and it made me feel a little
less confident than I had been feeling before; but it gave me a good business
idea, and I brought it frankly out.
15.
"Portia, dear, would you mind going with me that day,
when I confront those old gentlemen?"
She shrank a little, but said:
"N-o; if my being with you would help hearten you. But would
it be quite proper, do you think?"
"No, I don't know that it would - in fact, I'm afraid
it wouldn't; but, you see, there's so much dependent upon it that—"
"Then I'll go anyway, proper or improper," she
said, with a beautiful and generous enthusiasm. "Oh, I shall be so happy
to think I'm helping!"
"Helping, dear? Why, you'll be doing it all. You're so
beautiful and so lovely and so winning, that with you there I can pile our
salary up till I break those good old fellows, and they'll never have the heart
to struggle."
Sho! you should have seen the rich blood mount, and her
happy eyes shine!
"You wicked flatterer! There isn't a word of truth in
what you say, but still I'll go with you. Maybe it will teach you not to expect
other people to look with your eyes."
Were my doubts dissipated? Was my confidence restored? You
may judge by this fact: privately I raised my salary to twelve hundred the
first year on the spot. But I didn't tell her; I saved it for a surprise.
All the way home I was in the clouds, Hastings talking, I
not hearing a word. When he and I entered my parlor, he brought me to myself
with his fervent appreciations of my manifold comforts and luxuries.
"Let me just stand here a little and look my fill. Dear
me! it's a palace - it's just a palace! And in it everything a body could
desire, including cosy coal fire and supper standing ready. Henry, it doesn't
merely make me realize how rich you are; it makes me realize, to the bone, to
the marrow, how poor I am - how poor I am, and how miserable, how defeated,
routed, annihilated!"
16.
Plague take it! This language gave me the cold shudders. It
scared me broad awake, and made me comprehend that I was standing on a halfinch
crust, with a crater underneath. I didn't know I had been dreaming - that is, I
hadn't been allowing my- self to know it for a while back; but now - oh, dear!
Deep in debt, not a cent in the world, a lovely girl's
happiness or woe in my hands, and nothing in front of me but a salary which
might never - oh, would never - materialize! Oh, oh, oh! I am ruined past hope!
nothing can save me!
"Henry, the mere unconsidered drippings of your daily
in- come would—"
"Oh, my daily income! Here, down with this hot Scotch,
and cheer up your soul. Here's with you! Or, no - you're hungry; sit down
and—"
"Not a bite for me; I'm past it. I can't eat, these
days; but I'll drink with you till I drop. Come!"
"Barrel for barrel, I'm with you! Ready? Here we go!
Now, then, Lloyd, unreel your story while I brew."
"Unreel it? What, again?"
"Again? What do you mean by that?"
"Why, I mean do you want to hear it over again?"
"Do I want to hear it over again? This is a puzzler.
Wait; don't take any more of that liquid. You don't need it."
"Look here, Henry, you alarm me. Didn't I tell you the whole
story on the way here?"
"You?"
"Yes, I."
"I'll be hanged if I heard a word of it."
"Henry, this is a serious thing. It troubles me. What
did you take up yonder at the minister's?"
17.
Then it all flashed on me, and I owned up like a man.
"I took the dearest girl in this world - prisoner!"
So then he came with a rush, and we shook, and shook, and
shook till our hands ached; and he didn't blame me for not having heard a word
of a story which had lasted while we walked three miles. He just sat down then,
like the patient, good fellow he was, and told it all over again.
Synopsized, it amounted to this: He had come to England with
what he thought was a grand opportunity; he had an "option" to sell
the Gould and Curry Extension for the "locators" of it, and keep all
he could get over a million dollars. He had worked hard, had pulled every wire
he knew of, had left no honest expedient untried, had spent nearly all the
money he had in the world, had not been able to get a solitary capitalist to
listen to him, and his option would run out at the end of the month. In a word,
he was ruined. Then he jumped up and cried out: "Henry, you can save me!
You can save me, and you're the only man in the universe that can. Will you do
it? Won't you do it?"
"Tell me how. Speak out, my boy."
"Give me a million and my passage home for my 'option'!
Don't, don't refuse!"
I was in a kind of agony. I was right on the point of coming
out with the words, "Lloyd, I'm a pauper myself - absolutely penniless,
and in debt!" But a white-hot idea came flaming through my head, and I
gripped my jaws together, and calmed myself down till I was as cold as a
capitalist. Then I said, in a commercial and self-possessed way: "I will
save you, Lloyd—"
"Then I'm already saved! God be merciful to you
forever!
If ever I—"
18.
"Let me finish, Lloyd. I will save you, but not in that
way; for that would not be fair to you, after your hard work, and the risks
you've run. I don't need to buy mines; I can keep my capital moving, in a
commercial center like London, without that; it's what I'm at, all the time;
but here is what I'll do. I know all about that mine, of course; I know its
immense value, and can swear to it if anybody wishes it. You shall sell out
inside of the fortnight for three millions cash, using my name freely, and
we'll divide, share and share alike."
Do you know, he would have danced the furniture to
kindling-wood in his insane joy, and broken everything on the place, if I
hadn't tripped him up and tied him.
Then he lay there, perfectly happy, saying: "I may use
your name! Your name - think of it! Man, they'll flock in droves, these rich
Londoners; they'll fight for that stock! I'm a made man, I'm a made man
forever, and I'll never forget you as long as I live!"
In less than twenty-four hours London was abuzz! I hadn't
anything to do, day after day, but sit at home, and say to all comers: "Yes;
I told him to refer to me. I know the man, and I know the mine. His character
is above reproach, and the mine is worth far more than he asks for it."
Meantime I spent all my evenings at the minister's with
Portia. I didn't say a word to her about the mine; I saved it for a surprise.
We talked salary; never anything but salary and love; sometimes love, sometimes
salary, sometimes love and salary together. And my! the interest the minister's
wife and daughter took in our little affair, and the endless ingenuities they
invented to save us from interruption, and to keep the minister in the dark and
unsuspicious - well, it was just lovely of them!
19.
When the month was up at last, I had a million dollars to my
credit in the London and County Bank, and Hastings was fixed in the same way.
Dressed at my level best, I drove by the house in Portland Place, judged by the
look of things that my birds were home again, went on towards the minister's
and got my precious, and we started back, talking salary with all our might.
She was so excited and anxious that it made her just intolerably beautiful. I
said: "Dearie, the way you're looking it's a crime to strike for a salary
a single penny under three thousand a year."
"Henry, Henry, you'll ruin us!"
"Don't you be afraid. Just keep up those looks, and
trust to me. It'll all come out right."
So, as it turned out, I had to keep bolstering up her courage
all the way. She kept pleading with me, and saying: "Oh, please remember
that if we ask for too much we may get no salary at all; and then what will
become of us, with no way in the world to earn our living?"
We were ushered in by that same servant, and there they
were, the two old gentlemen. Of course, they were surprised to see that
wonderful creature with me, but I said: "It's all right, gentlemen; she is
my future stay and helpmate."
And I introduced them to her, and called them by name. It
didn't surprise them; they knew I would know enough to consult the directory.
They seated us, and were very polite to me, and very solicitous to relieve her
from embarrassment, and put her as much at her ease as they could. Then I said:
"Gentlemen, I am ready to report."
"We are glad to hear it," said my man, "for
now we can decide the bet which my brother Abel and I made. If you have won for
me, you shall have any situation in my gift. Have you the million-pound
note?"
20.
"Here it is, sir," and I handed it to him.
"I've won!" he shouted, and slapped Abel on the
back.
"Now what do you say, brother?"
"I say he did survive, and I've lost 20,000 pounds. I
never would have believed it."
"I've a further report to make," I said, "and
a pretty long one. I want you to let me come soon, and detail my whole month's
history; and I promise you it's worth hearing. Meantime, take a look at
that."
"What, man! Certificate of deposit for £200,000. Is it
yours?"
"Mine. I earned it by thirty days' judicious use of
that little loan you let me have. And the only use I made of it was to buy
trifles and offer the bill in change."
"Come, this is astonishing! It's incredible, man!"
"Never mind, I'll prove it. Don't take my word unsupported."
But now Portia's turn was come to be surprised. Her eyes
were spread wide, and she said: "Henry, is that really
your money? Have you been fibbing to me?"
"I have, indeed, dearie. But you'll forgive me, I
know."
She put up an arch pout, and said:"Don't you be so
sure. You are a naughty thing to deceive me so!"
"Oh, you'll get over it, sweetheart, you'll get over
it; it was only fun, you know. Come, let's be going."
"But wait, wait! The situation, you know. I want to
give you the situation," said my man.
"Well," I said, "I'm just as grateful as I
can be, but really I don't want one."
21.
"But you can have the very choicest one in my
gift."
"Thanks again, with all my heart; but I don't even want
that one."
"Henry, I'm ashamed of you. You don't half thank the
good gentleman. May I do it for you?"
"Indeed, you shall, dear, if you can improve it. Let us
see you try."
She walked to my man, got up in his lap, put her arm round
his neck, and kissed him right on the mouth. Then the two old gentlemen shouted
with laughter, but I was dumfounded, just petrified, as you may say.
Portia said: "Papa, he has said you haven't a situation
in your gift that he'd take; and I feel just as hurt as—"
"My darling, is that your papa?"
"Yes; he's my step-papa, and the dearest one that ever was.
You understand now, don't you, why I was able to laugh when you told me at the
minister's, not knowing my relationships, what trouble and worry papa's and
Uncle Abel's scheme was giving you?"
Of course, I spoke right up now, without any fooling, and
went straight to the point.
"Oh, my dearest dear sir, I want to take back what I
said. You have got a situation open that I want."
"Name it."
"Son-in-law."
"Well, well, well! But you know, if you haven't ever
served in that capacity, you, of course, can't furnish recommendations of a
sort to satisfy the conditions of the contract, and so—"
"Try me - oh, do, I beg of you! Only just try me thirty
or forty years, and if—"
"Oh, well, all right; it's but a little thing to ask,
take her along."
22.
Happy, we two? There are not words enough in the unabridged
to describe it. And when London got the whole history, a day or two later, of
my month's adventures with that bank-note, and how they ended, did London talk,
and have a good time?
Yes.
My Portia's papa took that friendly and hospitable bill back
to the Bank of England
and cashed it; then the Bank canceled it and made him a
present of it, and he gave it to us at our wedding, and it has always hung in
its frame in the sacredest place in our home ever since. For it gave me my Portia.
But for it I could not have remained in London, would not have appeared at the
minister's, never should have met her.
And so I always say, "Yes, it's a million-pounder, as
you see; but it never made but one purchase in its life, and then got the article
for only about a tenth part of its value."
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