Pillar to Post: SUNDAY REVIEW / RING LARDNER’S PATOIS

Nice quote, nice picture but Ring Lardner never said it. The quote is most often credited to Damon Runyon, but he never said it either. The quote was originally penned by sportswriter Huge E. Keogh.

SOME LIKE THEM COLD

Short Story By Ring Lardner, published 1924.

N. Y., Aug. 3.

Dear Miss Gillespie: How about our bet now as you

bet me I would forget all about you the minute I hit the big

town and would never write you a letter. Well girlie it looks

like you lose so pay me. Seriously we will call all bets off as I

am not the kind that bet on a sure thing and it sure was a sure

thing that I would not forget a girlie like you and all that is

worrying me is whether it may not be the other way round

and you are wondering who this fresh guy is that is writeing

you this letter. I bet you are so will try and refreshen your

memory.

Well girlie I am the handsome young man that was won-

dering round the Lasalle st. station Monday and "happened"

to sit down beside of a mighty pretty girlie who was waiting to

meet her sister from Toledo and the train was late and I am

glad of it because if it had not of been that little girlie and I

would never of met. So for once I was a lucky guy but still I

guess it was time I had some luck as it was certainly tough luck

for you and I to both be liveing in Chi all that time and never

get together till a half hour before I was leaveing town for

good.

Still "better late than never" you know and maybe we can

make up for lost time though it looks like we would have to do

our makeing up at long distants unless you make good on your

threat and come to N.Y. I wish you would do that little thing

girlie as it looks like that was the only way we would get a

chance to play round together as it looks like they was little or

no chance of me comeing back to Chi as my whole future is in

the big town. N.Y. is the only spot and specially for a man that

expects to make my liveing in the song writeing game as here is

the Mecca for that line of work and no matter how good a man

may be they don't get no recognition unless they live in N.Y.

Well girlie you asked me to tell you all about my trip. Well I

remember you saying that you would give anything to be

makeing it yourself but as far as the trip itself was conserned

you ought to be thankfull you did not have to make it as you

would of sweat your head off. I know I did specially wile going

through Ind. Monday p. m. but Monday night was the worst of

all trying to sleep and finely I give it up and just layed there

with the prespiration rolling off of me though I was laying on

top of the covers and nothing on but my underwear.

Yesterday was not so bad as it rained most of the a. m. come-

ing through N.Y. state and in the p. m. we road along side of

the Hudson all p. m. Some river girlie and just looking at it

makes a man forget all about the heat and everything else ex-

cept a certain girlie who I seen for the first time Monday and

then only for a half hour but she is the kind of a girlie that a

man don't need to see her only once and they would be no

danger of forgetting her. There I guess I better lay off that

subject or you will think I am a "fresh guy."

Well that is about all to tell you about the trip only they was

one amuseing incidence that come off yesterday which I will

tell you. Well they was a dame got on the train at Toledo Mon-

day and had the birth opp. mine but I did not see nothing of

her that night as I was out smokeing till late and she hit the hay

early but yesterday A. m. she come in the dinner and sit at the

same table with me and tried to make me and it was so raw

that the dinge waiter seen it and give me the wink and of

course I paid no tension and I waited till she got through so as

thev would be no danger of her foiling me out but she stopped

on the way out to get a tooth pick and when I come out she

was out on the platform with it so I tried to brush right by but

she spoke up and asked me what time it was and I told her and

she said she geussed her watch was slow so I said maybe it just

seemed slow on acct. of the company it was in.

Ring Lardner

I don't know if she got what I was driveing at or not but any

way she give up trying to make me and got off at Albany. She

was a good looker but I have no time for gals that tries to make

strangers on a train.

Well if I don't quit you will think I am writeing a book but

will expect a long letter in answer to this letter and we will

see if you can keep your promise like I have kept mine. Don't

dissapoint me girlie as I am all alone in a large city and hear-

ing from you will keep me from getting home sick for old Chi

though I never thought so much of the old town till I found out

you lived there. Don't think that is kidding girlie as I mean it.

You can address me at this hotel as it looks like I will be here

right along as it is on 47ty st. right off of old Broadway and

handy to everything and am only paying $21 per wk. for my

rm. and could of got one for $16 but without bath but am glad

to pay the differents as am lost without my bath in the A. M.

and sometimes at night too.

Tomorrow I expect to commence fighting the "battle of

Broadway" and will let you know how I come out that is if you

answer this letter. In the mean wile girlie au reservoir and

don't do nothing I would not do.

Your new friend (?)

Chas. F. Lewis.

Chicago, 111,, Aug. 6.

My Dear Mr. Lewis: Well, that certainly was a "surprise

party" getting your letter and you are certainly a "wonder

man" to keep your word as I am afraid most men of your sex

are gay deceivers but maybe you are "different." Any way it

sure was a surprise and will gladly pay the bet if you will just

tell me what it was we bet. Hope it was not money as I am a

"working girl" but if it was not more than a dollar or two will

try to dig it up even if I have to "beg, borrow or steal."

Suppose you will think me a "case" to make a bet and then

forget what it was, but you must remember, Mr. Man, that I

had just met you and was "dazzled." Joking aside I was rather

"fussed" and will tell you why. Well, Mr. Lewis, I suppose you

see lots of girls like the one you told me about that you saw on

the train who tried to "get acquainted" but I want to assure

you that I am not one of those kind and sincerely hope you will

believe me when I tell you that you was the first man I ever

spoke to meeting them like that and my friends and the people

who know me would simply faint if they knew I ever spoke to

a man without a "proper introduction."

Believe me, Mr. Lewis, I am not that kind and I don't know

now why I did it only that you was so "different" looking if you

know what I mean and not at all like the kind of men that

usually try to force their attentions on every pretty girl they

see. Lots of times I act on impulse and let my feelings run away

from me and sometimes I do things on the impulse of the mo-

ment which I regret them later on, and that is what I did this

time, but hope you won't give me cause to regret it and I know

you won't as I know you are not that kind of a man a specially

after what you told me about the girl on the train. But any way

as I say, I was in a "daze" so can't remember what it was we

bet, but will try and pay it if it does not "break" me.

Sis's train got in about ten minutes after yours had gone and

when she saw me what do you think was the first thing she

said? Well, Mr. Lewis, she said: "Why Mibs (That is a pet

name some of my friends have given me ) what has happened

to you? I never seen you have as much color." So I passed it off

with some remark about the heat and changed the subject as I

certainly was not going to tell her that I had just been talking

to a man who I had never met or she would of dropped dead

from the shock. Either that or she would not of believed me as

it would be hard for a person who knows me well to imagine

me doing a thing like that as I have quite a reputation for

"squelching" men who try to act fresh. I don't mean anything

personal by that, Mr. Lewis, as am a good judge of character

and could tell without you telling me that you are not that

kind.

Well, Sis and I have been on the "go" ever since she arrived

as I took yesterday and today off so I could show her the

"sights" though she says she would be perfectly satisfied to

just sit in the apartment and listen to me "rattle on." Am afraid

I am a great talker, Mr. Lewis, but Sis says it is as good as a

show to hear me talk as I tell things in such a different way

as I cannot help from seeing the humorous side of everything

and she says she never gets tired of listening to me, but of

course she is my sister and thinks the world of me, but she

really does laugh like she enjoyed my craziness.

Maybe I told you that I have a tiny little apartment which a

girl friend of mine and I have together and it is hardly big

enough to turn round in, but still it is "home" and I am a great

home girl and hardly ever care to go out evenings except occa-

sionally to the theatre or dance. But even if our "nest" is small

we are proud of it and Sis complimented us on how cozy it is

and how "homey" it looks and she said she did not see how we

could afford to have everything so nice and Edith (my girl

friend) said: "Mibs deserves all the credit for that. I never

knew a girl who could make a little money go a long ways like

she can." Well, of course she is my best friend and always say-

ing nice things about me, but I do try and I hope I get results.

Have always said that good taste and being careful is a whole

lot more important than lots of money though it is nice to

have it.

You must write and tell me how you are getting along in the

"battle of Broadway" (I laughed when I read that) and

whether the publishers like your songs though I know they

will. Am crazy to hear them and hear you play the piano as

I love good jazz music even better than classical, though I sup-

pose it is terrible to say such a thing. But I usually say just

what I think though sometimes I wish afterwards I had not of.

But still I believe it is better for a girl to be her own self and

natural instead of always acting. But am afraid I will never

have a chance to hear you play unless you come back to Chi

and pay us a visit as my "threat" to come to New York was just

a "threat" and I don't see any hope of ever getting there unless

some rich New Yorker should fall in love with me and take me

there to live. Fine chance for poor little me, eh Mr. Lewis?

Well, I guess I have "rattled on" long enough and you will

think I am writing a book unless I quit and besides, Sis has

asked me as a special favor to make her a pie for dinner. Maybe

you don't know it, Mr. Man, but I am quite famous for my pie

and pastry, but I don't suppose a "genius" is interested in

common things like that.

Well, be sure and write soon and tell me what N.Y. is like

and all about it and don't forget the little girlie who was "bad"

and spoke to a strange man in the station and have been blush-

ing over it ever since.

Your friend (?)

Mabelle Gillespie.

N. Y., Aug. 10.

Dear Girlie: I bet you will think I am a fresh guy com-

menceing that way but Miss Gillespie is too cold and a man

can not do nothing cold in this kind of weather specially in this

man's town which is the hottest place I ever been in and I guess

maybe the reason why New Yorkers is so bad is because they

think they are all ready in H and can not go no worse

place no matter how they behave themselves. Honest girlie I

certainly envy you being where there is a breeze off the old

Lake and Chi mav be dirty but I never heard of nobody dying

because thev was dirtv but four people died here yesterday on

acct. of the heat and I seen two different women flop right on

Broadway and had to be taken away in the ambulance and it

could not of been because they was dressed too warm because

it would be impossible for the women here to leave off any

more cloths.

Well have not had much luck yet in the battle of Broadway

as all the heads of the big music publishers is out of town on

their vacation and the big boys is the only ones I will do busi-

ness with as it would be silly for a man with the stuff I have got

to waste my time on somebody that is just on the staff and have

not got the final say. But I did play a couple of my numbers for

the people up to Levy's and Goebers and they went crazy over

them in both places. So it looks like all I have to do is wait for

the big boys to get back and then play my numbers for them

and I will be all set. What I want is to get taken on the staff of

one of the big firms as that gives a man the inside and they will

plug your numbers more if you are on the staff. In the mean

wile have not got nothing to worry me but am just seeing the

sights of the big town as have saved up enough money to play

round for a wile and any way a man that can play piano like I

can don't never have to worry about starveing. Can certainly

make the old music box talk girlie and am always good for a

$75 or $100 job.

Well have been here a week now and on the go every minute

and I thought I would be lonesome down here but no chance

of that as I have been treated fine by the people I have met

and have sure met a bunch of them. One of the boys liveing in

the hotel is a vaudeville actor and he is a member of the Friars

club and took me over there to dinner the other night and some

way another the bunch got wise that I could play piano so of

course I had to sit down and give them some of my numbers

and everybody went crazy over them. One of the boys I met

there was Paul Sears the song writer but he just writes the

lyrics and has wrote a bunch of hits and when he heard some

of my melodies he called me over to one side and said he would

like to work with me on some numbers. How is that girlie as he

is one of the biggest hit writers in N.Y.

N.Y. has got some mighty pretty girlies and I guess it would

not be hard to get acquainted with them and in fact several of

them has tried to make me since I been here but I always fig-

ure that a girl must be something wrong with her if she tries

to make a man that she don't know nothing about so I pass

them all up. But I did meet a couple of pips that a man here

in the hotel went up on Riverside Drive to see them and in-

sisted on me going along and they got on some way that I

could make a piano talk so they was nothing but I must play

for them so I sit down and played some of my own stuff and

they went crazy over it.

One of the girls wanted I should come up and see her again,

and I said I might but I think I better keep away as she acted

like she wanted to vamp me and I am not the kind that likes to

play round with a gal just for their company and dance with

them etc. but when I see the right gal that will be a different

thing and she won't have to beg me to come and see her as I

will camp right on her trail till she says yes. And it won't be

none of these N.Y. fly by nights neither. They are all right to

look at but a man would be a sucker to get serious with them as

they might take you up and the next thing you know you would

have a wife on your hands that don't know a dish rag from a

waffle iron.

Well girlie will quit and call it a day as it is too hot to write

any more and I guess I will turn on the cold water and lay in

the tub a wile and then turn in. Don't forget to write to

Your friend,

Chas. F. Lewis.

Dear Mr. Man: Hope you won't think me a "silly Billy" for

starting my letter that way but "Mr. Lewis" is so formal and

"Charles" is too much the other way and any way I would not

dare call a man by their first name after only knowing them

only two weeks. Though I may as well confess that Charles is

my favorite name for a man and have always been crazy about

it as it was my father's name. Poor old dad, he died of cancer

three years ago, but left enough insurance so that mother and

we girls were well provided for and do not have to do any-

thing to support ourselves though I have been earning my own

living for two years to make things easier for mother and also

because I simply can't bear to be doing nothing as I feel like a

"drone." So I flew away from the "home nest" though mother

felt bad about it as I was her favorite and she always said I was

such a comfort to her as when I was in the house she never

had to worry about how things would go.

But there I go gossiping about my domestic affairs just like

you would be interested in them though I don't see how you

could be though personly I always like to know all about my

friends, but I know men are different so will try and not bore

you any longer. Poor Man, I certainly feel sorry for you if New

York is as hot as all that. I guess it has been very hot in Chi,

too, at least everybody has been complaining about how

terrible it is. Suppose you will wonder why I say "I guess" and

you will think I ought to know if it is hot. Well, sir, the reason

I say "I guess" is because I don't feel the heat like others do or

at least I don't let myself feel it. That sounds crazy I know, but

don't you think there is a good deal in mental suggestion and

not letting yourself feel things? I believe that if a person

simply won't allow themselves to be affected by disagreeable

things, why such things won't bother them near as much. I

know it works with me and that is the reason why I am never

cross when things go wrong and "keep smiling" no matter

what happens and as far as the heat is concerned, why I just

don't let myself feel it and my friends say I don't even look hot

no matter if the weather is boiling and Edith, my girl friend,

often says that I am like a breeze and it cools her off just to

have me come in the room. Poor Edie suffers terribly during

the hot weather and says it almost makes her mad at me to

see how cool and unruffled I look when everybody else is per-

spiring and have red faces etc.

I laughed when I read what you said about New York being

so hot that people thought it was the "other place." I can ap-

preciate a joke, Mr. Man, and that one did not go "over my

head/' Am still laughing at some of the things you said in the

station though they probably struck me funnier than they

would most girls as I always see the funny side and sometimes

something is said and I laugh and the others wonder what I am

laughing at as they cannot see anything in it themselves, but

it is just the way I look at things so of course I cannot explain

to them why I laughed and they think I am crazy. But I had

rather part with almost anything rather than my sense of hu-

mour as it helps me over a great many rough spots.

Sis has gone back home though I would of liked to of kept

her here much longer, but she had to go though she said she

would of liked nothing better than to stay with me and just

listen to me "rattle on." She always says it is just like a show

to hear me talk as I always put things in such a funny way and

for weeks after she has been visiting me she thinks of some of

the things I said and laughs over them. Since she left Edith

and I have been pretty quiet though poor Edie wants to be on

the "go" all the time and tries to make me go out with her every

evening to the pictures and scolds me when I say I had rather

stay home and read and calls me a "book worm." Well, it is true

that I had rather stay home with a good book than go to some

crazy old picture and the last two nights I have been reading

myself to sleep with Robert W. Service's poems. Don't you

love Service or don't you care for "highbrow" writings?

Personly there is nothing I love more than to just sit and

read a good book or sit and listen to somebody play the piano,

and I mean if they can really play and I really believe I like pop-

ular music better than the classical though I suppose that is a

terrible thing to confess, but I love all kinds of music but a

speciallv the piano when it is played by somebody who can

really play.

Am glad you have not "fallen" for the "ladies" who have

tried to make your acquaintance in New York. You are right

in thinking there must be something wrong with girls who try

to "pick up" strange men as no girl with self respect would do

such a thing and when I say that, Mr. Man, I know you will

think it is a funny thing for me to say on account of the way our

friendship started, but I mean it and I assure you that was the

first time I ever done such a thing in my life and would never

of thought of doing it had I not known you were the right kind

of a man as I flatter myself that I am a good judge of character

and can tell pretty well what a person is like by just looking at

them and I assure you I had made up my mind what kind of a

man you were before I allowed myself to answer your opening

remark. Otherwise I am the last girl in the world that would

allow myself to speak to a person without being introduced to

them.

from the New Yorker

When you write again you must tell me all about the girl

on Riverside Drive and what she looks like and if you went to

see her again and all about her. Suppose you will think I am

a little old "curiosity shop" for asking all those questions and

will wonder why I want to know. Well, sir, I won't tell you

why, so there, but I insist on you answering all questions and

will scold you if you don't. Maybe you will think the reason

why I am so curious is because I am "jealous" of the lady in

question. Well, sir, I won't tell you whether I am or not, but

will keep you "guessing." Now, don't you wish you knew?

Must close or you will think I am going to "rattle on" for-

ever or maybe you have all ready become disgusted and torn

my letter up. If so all I can say is poor little me — she was a nice

little girl and meant well, but the man did not appreciate her.

There! Will stop or you will think I am crazy if you do not

all ready.

Yours (?)

Maybelle.

N. Y., Aug. 20.

Dear Girlie: Well girlie I suppose you thought I was

never going to answer your letter but have been busier than a

one armed paper hanger the last week as have been working

on a number with Paul Sears who is one of the best lyric

writers in N.Y. and has turned out as many hits as Berlin or

Davis or any of them. And believe me girlie he has turned out

another hit this time that is he and I have done it together. It

is all done now and we are just waiting for the best chance to

place it but will not place it nowheres unless we get the right

kind of a deal but maybe will publish it ourselves.

The song is bound to go over big as Sears has wrote a great

lyric and I have give it a great tune or at least every body that

has heard it goes crazy over it and it looks like it would go over

bigger than any song since Mammy and would not be sur-

prised to see it come out the hit of the year. If it is handled

right we will make a bbl. of money and Sears says it is a cinch

we will clean up as much as $25000 apiece which is pretty fair

for one song but this one is not like the most of them but has

got a great lyric and I have wrote a melody that will knock

them out of their seats. I only wish you could hear it girlie and

hear it the way I play it. I had to play it over and over about

50 times at the Friars last night.

I will copy down the lyric of the chorus so you can see what

it is like and get the idea of the song though of course you can't

tell much about it unless you hear it played and sang. The title

of the song is When They're Like You and here is the chorus :

"Some like them hot, some like them cold.

Some like them when they're not too darn old.

Some like them fat, some like them lean.

Some like them only at sweet sixteen.

Some like them dark, some like them light.

Some like them in the park, late at night.

Some like them fickle, some like them true,

But the time I like them is when they're like you."

How is that for a lyric and I only wish I could play my mel-

ody for you as you would go nuts over it but will send you a

copy as soon as the song is published and you can get some of

your friends to play it over for you and I know you will like it

though it is a different melody when I play it or when some-

body else plays it.

Well girlie you will see how busy I have been and am libel

to keep right on being busy as we are not going to let the grass

grow under our feet but as soon as we have got this number

placed we will get busy on another one as a couple like that

will put me on Easy st. even if they don't go as big as we expect

but even 25 grand is a big bunch of money and if a man could

only turn out one hit a year and make that much out of it I

would be on Easy st. and no more hammering on the old music

box in some cabaret.

Who ever we take the song to we will make them come

across with one grand for advance royaltys and that will keep

me going till I can turn out another one. So the future looks

bright and rosey to yours truly and I am certainly glad I come

to the big town though sorry I did not do it a whole lot quicker.

This is a great old town girlie and when you have lived here

a wile you wonder how you ever stood for a burg like Chi

which is just a hick town along side of this besides being dirty

etc. and a man is a sucker to stay there all their life specially a

man in my line of work as N.Y. is the Mecca for a man that has

got the musical gift. I figure that all the time I spent in Chi I

was just wasteing my time and never really started to live till

I come down here and I have to laugh when I think of the boys

out there that is trying to make a liveing in the song writeing

game and most of them starve to death all their life and the

first week I am down here I meet a man like Sears and the next

thing you know we have turned out a song that will make us a

fortune.

Circa 1922 at the White House with (left to right): President Warren Harding; Grantland Rice, Ring Lardner and Under Secretary of State, Henry Fletcher.

Well girlie you asked me to tell you about the girlie up on

the Drive that tried to make me and asked me to come and

see her again. Well I can assure you you have no reasons to be

jealous in that quarter as I have not been back to see her as I

figure it is wasteing my time to play round with a dame like

she that wants to go out somewheres every night and if you

married her she would want a house on 5th ave. with a dozen

servants so I have passed her up as that is not my idea of home.

What I want when I get married is a real home where a man

can stay home and work and maybe have a few of his friends

in once in a wile and entertain them or go to a good musical

show once in a wile and have a wife that is in sympathy with

you and not nag at you all the wile but be a real help mate. The

girlie up on the Drive would run me ragged and have me in

the poor house inside of a year even if I was makeing 25 grand

out of one song. Besides she wears a make up that you would

have to blast to find out what her face looks like. So I have not

been back there and don't intend to see her again so what is

the use of me telling you about her. And the only other girlie

I have met is a sister of Paul Sears who I met up to his house

wile we was working on the song but she don't hardly count

as she has not got no use for the boys but treats them like dirt

and Paul says she is the coldest proposition he ever seen.

Well I don't know no more to write and besides have £ot a

date to go out to Paul's place for dinner and play some of my

stuff for him so as he can see if he wants to set words to some

more of my melodies. Well don't do nothing I would not do

and have as good a time as you can in old Chi and will let you

know how we come along with the song.

Chas. F. Lewis

Chicago, 111., Aug. 23.

Dear Mr. Man: I am thrilled to death over the song and

think the words awfully pretty and am crazy to hear the music

which I know must be great. It must be wonderful to have the

gift of writing songs and then hear people play and sing them

and just think of making $25,000 in such a short time. My, how

rich you will be and I certainly congratulate you though am

afraid when you are rich and famous you will have no time

for insignificant little me or will you be an exception and re-

member your "old" friends even when you are up in the world?

I sincerely hope so.

Will look forward to receiving a copy of the song and will

you be sure and put your name on it? I am all ready very con-

ceited just to think that I know a man that writes songs and

makes all that money.

Seriously I wish you success with your next song and I

laughed when I read your remark about being busier than a

one armed paper hanger. I don't see how you think up all those

comparisons and crazy things to say. The next time one of the

girls asks me to go out with them I am going to tell them I can't

go because I am busier than a one armed paper hanger and

then they will think I made it up and say: "The girl is clever/'

Seriously I am glad you did not go back to see the girl on

the Drive and am also glad you don't like girls who makes

themselves up so much as I think it is disgusting and would

rather go round looking like a ghost than put artificial color

on my face. Fortunately I have a complexion that does not

need "fixing" but even if my coloring was not what it is I would

never think of lowering myself to "fix" it. But I must tell you a

joke that happened just the other day when Edith and I were

out at lunch and there was another girl in the restaurant whom

Edie knew and she introduced her to me and I noticed how

this girl kept staring at me and finally she begged my pardon

and asked if she could ask me a personal question and I said

yes and she asked me if my complexion was really "mine." I

assured her it was and she said: "Well, I thought so because

I did not think anybody could put it on so artistically. I cer-

tainly envy you." Edie and I both laughed.

Well, if that girl envies me my complexion, why I envy you

living in New York. Chicago is rather dirty though I don't let

that part of it bother me as I bathe and change my clothing so

often that the dirt does not have time to "settle." Edie often

says she cannot see how I always keep so clean looking and

says I always look like I had just stepped out of a band box.

She also calls me a fish (jokingly) because I spend so much

time in the water. But seriously I do love to bathe and never

feel so happy as when I have just "cleaned up" and put on

fresh clothing.

Edie has just gone out to see a picture and was cross at me

because I would not go with her. I told her I was going to write

a letter and she wanted to know to whom and I told her and

she said: "You write to him so often that a person would almost

think you was in love with him." I just laughed and turned it

off, but she does say the most embarrassing things and I would

be angry if it was anybody but she that said them.

Seriously I had much rather sit here and write letters or read

or just sit and dream than go out to some crazy old picture

show except once in awhile I do like to go to the theater and

see a good play and a specially a musical play if the music is

catchy. But as a rule I am contented to just stay home and feel

cozy and lots of evenings Edie and I sit here without saying

hardly a word to each other though she would love to talk but

she knows I had rather be quiet and she often says it is just like

living with a deaf and dumb mute to live with me because I

make so little noise round the apartment. I guess I was born to

be a home body as I so seldom care to go "gadding."

Though I do love to have company once in awhile, just a

few congenial friends whom I can talk to and feel at home

with and play cards or have some music. My friends love to

drop in here, too, as they say Edie and I always give them

such nice things to eat. Though poor Edie has not much to do

with it, I am afraid, as she hates anything connected with

cooking which is one of the things I love best of anything and

I often say that when I begin keeping house in my own home

I will insist on doing most of my own work as I would take so

much more interest in it than a servant, though I would want

somebody to help me a little if I could afford it as I often think

a woman that does all her own work is liable to get so tired that

she loses interest in the bigger things of life like books and

music. Though after all what bigger thing is there than home

making a specially for a woman?

I am sitting in the dearest old chair that I bought yesterday

at a little store on the North Side. That is my one extravagance,

buying furniture and things for the house, but I always say it

is economy in the long run as I will always have them and have

use for them and when I can pick them up at a bargain I would

be silly not to. Though heaven knows I will never be "poor"

in regards to furniture and rugs and things like that as

mother's house in Toledo is full of lovely things which she says

she is going to give to Sis and myself as soon as we have real

homes of our own. She is going to give me the first choice as I

am her favorite. She has the loveliest old things that you could

not buy now for love or money including lovely old rugs and a

piano which Sis wanted to have a player attachment put on it

but I said it would be an insult to the piano so we did not get

one. I am funny about things like that, a specially old furniture

and feel towards them like people whom I love.

Poor mother, I am afraid she won't live much longer to enjoy

her lovely old things as she has been suffering for years from

stomach trouble and the doctor says it has been worse lately

instead of better and her heart is weak besides. I am going

home to see her a few days this fall as it may be the last time.

She is very cheerful and always says she is ready to go now as

she has had enough joy out of life and all she would like would

be to see her girls settled down in their own homes before she

goes.

There I go, talking about my domestic affairs again and I

will bet you are bored to death though personly I am never

bored when my friends tell me about themselves. But I won't

"rattle on" any longer, but will say good night and don't forget

to write and tell me how you come out with the song and

thanks for sending me the words to it. Will you write a song

about me some time? I would be thrilled to death! But I am

afraid I am not the kind of girl that inspires men to write songs

about them, but am just a quiet "mouse" that loves home and

am not giddy enough to be the heroine of a song.

Well, Mr. Man, good night and don't wait so long before

writing again to

Yours (?)

Mabelle.

Yardley won a Pulitzer Prize for Criticism, 1981,
this paper back was published in 2001

N. Y, Sept. 8.

Dear Girlie: Well girlie have not got your last letter with

me so cannot answer what was in it as I have forgotten if there

was anything I was supposed to answer and besides have only

a little time to write as I have a date to go out on a party with

the Sears. We are going to the Georgie White show and after-

wards somewheres for supper. Sears is the boy who wrote the

lyric to my song and it is him and his sister I am going on the

party with. The sister is a cold fish that has no use for men but

she is show crazy and insists on Paul takeing her to 3 or 4 of

them a week.

Paul wants me to give up my room here and come and live

with them as they have plenty of room and I am running a

little low on money but don't know if I will do it or not as am

afraid I would freeze to death in the same house with a girl

like the sister as she is ice cold but she don't hang round the

house much as she is always takeing trips or going to shows or

somewheres.

So far we have not had no luck with the song. All the pub-

lishers we have showed it to has went crazy over it but they

won't make the right kind of a deal with us and if they don't

loosen up and give us a decent royalty rate we are libel to put

the song out ourselves and show them up. The man up to

Goebel's told us the song was O.K. and he liked it but it was

more of a production number than anything else and ought to

go in a show like the Follies but they won't be in N.Y. much

longer and what we ought to do is hold it till next spring.

Mean wile I am working on some new numbers and also

have taken a position with the orchestra at the Wilton and am

going to work there starting next week. They pay good money

$60 and it will keep me going.

Well girlie that is about all the news. I believe you said your

father was sick and hope he is better and also hope you are

getting along O.K. and take care of yourself. When you have

nothing else to do write to your friend,

Chas. F. Lewis.

Chicago, 111., Sept. 11.

Dear Mr. Lewis: Your short note reached me yesterday

and must say I was puzzled when I read it. It sounded like

you was mad at me though I cannot think of any reason why

you should be. If there was something I said in my last letter

that offended you I wish you would tell me what it was and I

will ask your pardon though I cannot remember anything I

could of said that you could take offense at. But if there was

something, why I assure you, Mr. Lewis, that I did not mean

anything by it. I certainly did not intend to offend you in any

way.

Perhaps it is nothing I wrote you, but you are worried on

account of the publishers not treating you fair in regards to

your song and that is why your letter sounded so distant. If

that is the case I hope that by this time matters have rectified

themselves and the future looks brighter. But any way, Mr.

Lewis, don't allow yourself to worry over business cares as

they will all come right in the end and I always think it is silly

for people to worry themselves sick over temporary troubles,

but the best way is to "keep smiling" and look for the "silver

lining" in the cloud. That is the way I always do and no matter

what happens, I manage to smile and my girl friend, Edie,

calls me Sunny because I always look on the bright side.

Remember also, Mr. Lewis, that $60 is a salary that a great

many men would like to be getting and are living on less than

that and supporting a wife and family on it. I always say that

a person can get along on whatever amount they make if they

manage things in the right way.

So if it is business troubles, Mr. Lewis, I say don't worry,

but look on the bright side. But if it is something I wrote in my

last letter that offended you I wish you would tell me what it

was so I can apologize as I assure you I meant nothing and

would not say anything to hurt you for the world.

Please let me hear from you soon as I will not feel comfort-

able until I know I am not to blame for the sudden change.

Sincerely,

Mabelle Gillespie.

N. Y., Sept. 24.

Dear Miss Gillespie: Just a few lines to tell you the big

news or at least it is big news to me. I am engaged to be mar-

ried to Paul Sears' sister and we are going to be married early

next month and live in Atlantic City where the orchestra I

have been playing with has got an engagement in one of the

big cabarets.

I know this will be a surprise to you as it was even a surprise

to me as I did not think I would ever have the nerve to ask the

girlie the big question as she was always so cold and acted like

I was just in the way. But she said she supposed she would have

to marry somebody some time and she did not dislike me as

much as most of the other men her brother brought round and

she would marry me with the understanding that she would

not have to be a slave and work round the house and also I

would have to take her to a show or somewheres every night

and if I could not take her mvself she would "run wild" alone.

Atlantic City will be O.K. for that as a lot of new shows opens

down there and she will be able to see them before they get to

the big town. As for her being: a slave, I would hate to think of

marrying a girl and then have them spend their lives in drug-

o;erv round the house. We are going to live in a hotel till we

find something better but will be in no hurry to start house

keeping as we will have to buy all new furniture.

Betsy is some doll when she is all fixed up and believe me

she knows how to fix herself up. I don't know what she uses

but it is weather proof as I have been out in a rain storm with

her and we both got drowned but her face stayed on. I would

almost think it was real only she tells me different.

Well girlie I may write to you again once in a wile as Betsy

says she don't give a dam if I write to all the girls in the world

just so I don't make her read the answers but that is all I can

think of to say now except good bye and good luck and may

the right man come along soon and he will be a lucky man

getting a girl that is such a good cook and got all that furniture

etc.

But just let me give you a word of advice before I close and

that is don't never speak to strange men who you don't know

nothing about as they may get you wrong and think you are

trying to make them. It just happened that I knew better so

you was lucky in my case but the luck might not last.

Your friend,

Chas. F. Lewis.

Chicago, 111., Sept. 27.

My Dear Mr. Lewis: Thanks for your advice and also

thank your fiance for her generosity in allowing you to con-

tinue your correspondence with her "rivals," but personly I

have no desire to take advantage of that generosity as I have

something better to do than read letters from a man like you,

a specially as I have a man friend who is not so generous as

Miss Sears and would strongly object to my continuing a cor-

respondence with another man. It is at his request that I am

writing this note to tell you not to expect to hear from me

again.

Allow me to congratulate you on your engagement to Miss

Sears and I am sure she is to be congratulated too, though if

I met the lady I would be tempted to ask her to tell me her

secret, namely how is she going to "run wild" on $60.

Sincerely,

Mabelle Gillespie.

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SUNDAY REVIEW / RING LARDNER’S PATOIS

SOME LIKE THEM COLD

By Ring Lardner