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Wednesday, March 21, 2012


DOG DAYS OF STYLE—Ah, March, the new cruelest month for mature male fashion. The equinox is here again: time when nature struts her peacocks. And nowhere is the view more memorable than sitting in the patio section of large discount warehouse operation watching American, post-50, male shoppers walking by. Granted, who among us is a fashion critic, I mean really? And, I only pick on the male gender because I value my remaining years. The following comments reflect upon a parade I witnessed only moments ago.


--keep a full head of gray hair, but dye my moustache jet black.

--am tempted to wear horn-rim eye glasses the size of grapefruits like I did in the early 90s.

--leave the house wearing denim cut-offs with knee-length black socks fitting into high top tennis shoes. This view was enhanced by tucking a beer t-shirt into the jeans and supporting a rounded beer belly with wide-strap industrial strength suspenders.

--don my vintage searsucker blazer over a Pendleton lumberjack plaid shirt. The look gets better knowing this model was wearing bib overalls.

--walk through the store imitating a wide-mouth bass with every step.

--exhibit untanned chest open to the navel with a gold chains and oversized tinted sunglasses, uncuffed white pants and white shoes with pink rubber soles. Dare I mention the red-dyed comb-over and newly acquired botox lips. Get thee to central casting.

Again, I offer this Spring Fashion Show not for criticism of my fellow male, but to point out if you match your socks you too can go out in public feeling like a fashion plate.

Images: Thank you page 35 of the Internet for these pictures. Even a cute pup can’t pull off a combover. Shorts, white socks and sandals are the real reasons the rest of the world rolls its eyes at American Tourists.

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